the color of alcohol

Flashes of shame washed over me this afternoon as my hangover become and more intense, waves of it crashing against my barely functioning brain again and again. I remembered eating this go-go boy's ass last night seemingly endlessly while he was dancing on stage at Eastern Bloc. Yes, indeed, that apparently did happen. I may have been jerking off during this. I don't know. I do know that I was quite a mess last night.

The day started off fairly wholesome. My family was in town and I went with them to the 9/11 Memorial, rode the Staten Island ferry, went to the Met, had drinks on their rooftop, and then went out to dinner at Balthazar. It was really nice to see them, but after I left them I was already quite drunk from dinner and drinks earlier in the day with them. I went and met up with A at his house, took some Adderal and drank some more. M joined us there and then from there we went to Phoenix.

I showed some drag queen my dick for a free drink for some reason. There were a lot of cute guys there. For reasons I am not entirely sure of, we migrated to Eastern Bloc. Before I went in to that bar, I made eye contact with this really cute guy who was smoking on a stoop. He said hi. I went and sat next to him on the stoop. I was totally smitten. There were some really lustful looks exchanged while we introduced ourselves. A then came and sat next to me and started chatting this person up over me. It became this competitive thing to see who could be the more engaging person to this guy. I was very confused and annoyed by A's behavior and so I got up and went inside to the bar, not really interested in whatever competitive game was happening. I just wanted to talk to this cute boy I exchanged eye contact with, to maybe have some sort of cute, tender moment, maybe even composed of nothing more than few minutes of flirtation while someone finished their cigarette on East 6th Street. I mean all I am looking for is a nice moment of connection with another human being.

Once inside, desire took control the wheel and drove us all over the cliff. I picked up various bits of debris today from the wreckage as the day went on. After eating this go-go dude's ass for a long time, M told me he was leaving. A already left with cute boy from the stoop. I didn't want anything to end. I was sad that it was almost four because I had been hoping to stop at Metro on my way home and try to find some romance of some sort. I walked with him M to 14th Street and convinced him to stop in at Nowhere with me, where we had another drink and shut that bar down.

Today, as soon as I woke up, there were three alternating thoughts that kept cycling through my brain. They can be concisely written as: Burrito, Shame, Advil. Burrito, Shame, Advil. The burrito and the Advil did a good job, temporarily at least, of muting thoughts of the third.