buds

The body every so often will let you know that your days are numbered, that you are not as invincible as you think, and that things can change on a dime. There will appear a growth, an illness that knocks you on your ass, and you will become aware in a way you too often are not that life is fleeting, that our health is a very precious thing, a thing that is not guaranteed and subject to change at any second.

Luckily, the illness was nothing serious, but it was enough to stress me out about my body, about mortality, and about my finances and my lack of health insurance at the moment, awaiting for it to kick in still at my new job. I went to see Titanic in 3D the other night and was in pain throughout, my abdomen sore and a bulge in my groin area that I was very convinced was a hernia. I did that thing that we like to do, researched this condition I was sure I had on the Internet, made these symptoms of a hernia symptoms I recognized in myself. I had had one as a kid in the same area and I was certain this was a hernia. There was some advice to go to the emergency room for a hernia online. I tried activating COBRA coverage to extend my health benefits from my previous job, which I still need to make sure my old job processes so that I don't get hit with this emergency room bill and doctor pill and can get reimbursed for prescriptions I purchased at the pharmacy. The shitty thing is that this COBRA coverage is going to cost about $450 per month and I have to pay from when I left my job about two months ago, so this is going to be a nearly $1500 health insurance bill I have to pay for my unfounded fears that I had a hernia, which I guess will probably in the end still be cheaper (if only somewhat) than an emergency room bill. Of course, all of this would happen in this small window of time in which I was without health insurance. There were some plans to go to Spain this summer, but these large looming bills have really made that seem even more unlikely than it probably was in the first place.

It was a swollen lymph node. I didn't know they could swell so big, didn't even know they were located in the groin region. That swollen groin lymph node has now gone done. Now, the lymph node in my armpit is swollen.

I could worry about this stuff and I will have to at some point, but I only let it stress me out so much because there is not much to be gained from stressing about the thing. There's not much to be gained by stressing about any thing. If there is one great thing I have gained from smoking weed, it is this knowledge.

Spring has arrived and it is quite beautiful out lately. The skies are a blue that they haven't been in months and whether they are actually bluer or it is just the buds of green on trees making the sky seem more bluer in contrast, I'm not sure. But it is a wonderful time right now to walk these streets of New York City and look up at the sky and at the people smiling because they see that change is possible.