fall

The leaves are changing and I am aware of this fact in a way a bit removed from past years. I have spent little time amongst these trees but do occasionally see them from the windows of high floors down below, or notice them during the afternoons after work when I am walking somewhere and the light is already heading toward the horizon and is crisp and mellow in that fall way that inspires all varieties of thought, happiness to sadness and all the points in between, and the light is caught really lovingly by the tree leaves, these dying leaves, their last embrace of a light that is about to leave them, a tender embrace on a train platform, someone heading off to a different town and it the last time they will probably ever see each other. There is knowing that, that sadness, and then there is that other town someone is heading off to and an excitement about that fact.

I work too much in a job that requires me to get there too early each day, so that I am always, despite intentions otherwise, falling asleep by about ten o'clock most nights. I have been getting stoned a lot, watching episodes of 30 Rock, and waking up hours later on the couch, aware that I passed out, peeling out my contacts, and sleeping in my bed for a couple of hours before waking up at 5:45.

The other day I was talking to an out-of-town friend who was in-town, Brendan, about my life over mulled wine and pumpkin soup at Mud. I told him about my life and I wasn't too impressed with my narration of it, with the things available to me to narrate. I told him about this project I had intended to begin working on in November, that I really wanted to finish it by the end of the year, and two months of decent work seemed like a fair amount of time to get this thing done. I still intend to do this, but do find that November, much like this year and the past ten months are speeding by much too fast. I think I'm going to start writing in coffee shops, that the atmosphere seems very encouraging of that. When I am home from work, Jacob is often sleeping before going to work his overnights, and that makes me sleepy, makes me lie on the couch and take unintended naps and masturbate, things that are all well and fine, and which I am as big a proponent of as anyone, however things which are getting in the way of goals I have set for myself.

Tomorrow is my Friday. I am going to try to see some leaves and eat a burger and maybe put this new ZipCar membership to use on a trip somewhere, perhaps to see leaves, perhaps to Red Hook to visit Home Depot and Ikea. I really do love the new Deerhunter album and am listening to it now as I write these things, as I sip from this glass of red wine, a Cabernet, contemplating what it means to inhabit a body that is going to die.