may

I got back to this city, New York, sometime early yesterday morning, two am or so, having spent the previous days in Tennessee for the Beltane celebrations at Short Mountain. I am still processing my time there, which was time spent processing my life as of late, and so perhaps really I am still processing my life, trying to understand what path I am on and what adjustments should be made considering the shortness of this life and my desire to live it as best as possible.

There was a fair, perhaps excessive, amount of substance consumption, including acid, weed, opium, whiskey, box wine, and poppers. These all were probably unnecessary, as the most insight I had was riding in a car through the rain with Matt Savitsky, listening to a mix CD he had made, this my first kinda sorta boyfriend, some six years ago. Surprisingly, he was there amidst these faeries and I reconnected with him, spending quite a bit of my time there hanging out with him, having quite a lovely time in his company. Also in these gay woods was Diego and his boyfriend. Also there was Gabriel. The three of these people together in this rural out-of-state setting seemed more than coincidence, seemed some sign signaling something. The three people that have consumed my erotic imagination for my most of my time in New York were all there and so that subject was explored, as were ancillary ones along those lines, such as what I have been doing, what I have been pursuing, what I should be, the nature of time, of attraction - the usual.

Matt and I escaped the mountain one day, the rain and boredom of being in the rain leading us into town. We were talking about relationships and friendships. We would occasionally smoke cigarettes. Melancholy songs would play, some of which I didn't know, would ask him who the band was, would make a mental note to download the band when I got home. I kept looking at his hands on the steering wheel, remembering how attracted I used to be to his hands. The town we drove through seemed like a nightmare to live in, so isolated, so nothing but strip malls. We ate at a Cici's pizza buffet and went to the Goodwill next door.

It rained pretty much nonstop during my time there. My tent flooded. My sleeping bag was half wet and I slept in an awkward and uncomfortable position to sleep in the dry part of my sleeping bag. I danced a lot. My last night there, I asked Matt to make out with me, me again quite attracted to him after spending so much time with him, my dormant crush on him having been called back to life. He said no.

I have resolved this before, but this week the travel guide is going to be written. Matt was in Tennessee for this reason, so was Diego. Their being there was as clear a sign as any that the project needs to take shape, needs to happen, was a bit of an emotional refresher on what it is people from my past meant to me, what they mean to me now, the seeming distance between those (past and present feelings toward places and people), the actual closeness of them.

I am home, or what is home these days. It is still raining and apparently will be for the next few days if the weather forecast is to be believed.