"all i really, really want our love to do is bring out the best in me and in you"

This past week, I have been feeling pretty terrible. I have been thinking a lot about my life and its friendships. These thoughts have been sparked by several of my closest friends here choosing not to live with me. Not to be too dramatic, but this decision has really broke something, heart, feelings, whatever you choose to call it, as I have contemplated what I thought my relationships with these people meant and how that must have differed from what they thought they meant. I was really excited about cementing my close connections with these people, but the breaks were put on that excitement. The car was turned back from the gates.

I had decided I was moving out of my apartment even when I was pretty sure that these people were not going to have me live with them. My body doesn’t like my bed anymore and has told me to find another place to lie it down in at night. And then enter Niki, telling me that I could live with her. And this action has really warmed my heart at a time when it needed it for so many reasons. I had been thinking a lot about friendships lately, about the many I have had and the many abrupt endings to them I have had, two of them even with Niki, and how despite this, how I was thinking about what a social fuckup I am to have had so many breakups with friends, here was one from so long ago, something like eight years at this point, who still loved me in a way I could recognize as such.

I have been lying in bed a lot, daydreaming, thinking about things, how I had imagined them to be, how they are, and what they could be. I am feeling better today than I have felt in a week, have occupied myself with work for ten hours, a visit from Time Warner, a burrito, some beers, and, when the transcribing of panels was done, with Joni Mitchell’s Blue. Tomorrow will be great. There will be more work and time spent with Kim watching Vanessa Redgrave recite Joan Didion. Things are different, and though I didn’t want them to be, am shocked by the sudden difference felt, there are things to be done, so many books to read, so much time.