I wish I had time, enough to say the things I want to say, and more importantly, enough to consider, really consider, why it is that I want to say these things, relate the events happening to me, for whose good, and why, and perhaps even to consider one more level of this, the actual events and the why behind those - the forces that determine my behavior and why it is that some things can excite me so much. And with all this buildup, all this postponement, you would think I had some grand events to relate, some super sordid gossip, but alas, none of that, just the imaginery variety. As they, and as I tend to often say as well: Same old, same old.

I met up with Niki last night for the first time in close to a year. We went to some place in SoHo with her friend and split a pitcher of sangria, the sangria cooling me off so much. By the time we left the place, the heat had broken and it was not cool, but in comparison to the hundred degree days of late, so fucking cool, so nice - mid-eighties never felt so cool.

Then the events that I would like to describe - and here comes time creeping up on me since I need to put on clothes and leave for work - but as usual, it comes back to the sight of cute boys and my desire for them that leaves me crippled and regressing to the most juvenile of behavior. There was an open bar at Starbar that we went to. There, this crush of mine, David, was standing right in front of me with his friends as Niki and I sat on the couch. He was in these shorts and a cut-off t-shirt, and looking so attractive, and my leg brushed against his at one point, our leg hairs touching, and the thrill was so much that I had to repeat it. Again and again, I found myself lightly brushing my leg against his, the thrill of my skin against a crush's who seemed oblivious to it all. And the pleasure was so great and I giggled each time and had obscene fantasies that I kept relating to Niki.

From there, Phoenix, where I had some more beer and found the new love of my life, the most beautiful boy ever, a Josh - so many of these that I have had crushes on - and he is a stem cell biologist and dreamy as I don't know what and I am pretty sure he thinks I am crazy, because last night, one could be fogiven for thinking so, and I have his number but I sort of doubt he will answer the phone when I call, but we will see, and maybe we will have babies together.

And yes, now I have to go to work, and I am just looking forward to when I get off work because that, my friends, will be nap time. I am ready to be back in bed right now, but will have to hold off until this afternoon, at which point, I am going to catch some major z's. Hang ten.