I talked to my mom tonight on the phone, and for the first time in a really long time had a lot of things to tell her. Normally, our conversation are her telling me where she has been, what rooms in her house she is repainting and news about my sister, and I would try to think of something to say since really nothing has been new in a long time and would tell her such sort of despondently, oh, nothing new, same old samd old. And today, I told her about all these interviews I have coming up and the on I had today and told her how much I want this job and it felt so good to have something to say, some good news, not same old same old. Tomorrow, two more interviews. One more on Monday. And hopefully, hopefully I will get one of the two jobs I really, really want.

Also, I have decided that I love nineties music, and that I need to download more of it. I love Gin Blossoms and Spin Doctors and Sneaker Pimps and Luscious Jackson and Cranberries and Smashing Pumpkins and Toad the Wet Sprocket and they make me feel really good, remember certain things and are pushing me onwards and upwards as I try to get things done I want to, giving me that enthusiasm that I had when I was 16, some sort of magical energy time warp, this stuff, piping through my headphones.

This afternoon near sunset, I sat on my roof and read David Mitchell and didn't read him, watched the clouds pass thinking they looked too cloudlike, too like the background clouds on old Super Mario games. I love the sky and life and am so scared of what death means, was terrified looking at those clouds because they were so beautiful and I wanted to always be able to see them, and I have no clue what it means to not be able to see them anymore. Last night, I had a bit of a panic attack trying to fall asleep because I thought about death and had that brief flash where you realize what it means to not exist anymore and wonder what the fuck this is. And God, I hate those moments and try to squash them normally before they even have a chance to grip their terror inducing claws in me.

I don't know what has happened with The OC but for the last month this show has picked up a second wind and has been pretty amazing, holding my attention and entertaining me and reminding me why I fell for this show. Next week's episode promises to be amazing and I cannot wait. It has been since the first season where I couldn't wait to watch next week's episode. I am glad that this show isn't going to end in a crappy fashion if it does in fact end. According to today's NY Times, the show's prospects of being renewed are not certain. I love this show but would like to see it end this season. I never understand why people are upset about the cancellation of shows or when show's end. Some people were sad that Six Feet Under were ending. Lots of people were upset about the cancellation of Arrested Development, but shows shouldn't last forever. They are more beautiful if they are short lived. A Wallace Stevens quote to end this: "Death is the mother of beauty."

No, I will end it with something I said: I love you and don't want us to die ever!