s.d.

Knocking on their door, of someone you never seen before and who you are about to sleep with in some manner for money, that one moment between your knock and their answer, when you can hear them approaching the door, you wonder who is this, what does he look like, because you never can tell, sometimes they will actually be young looking and in shape, other times, they will be a runt of an old man, other times, a fat middle aged stoner. And tonight after walking down the cold wind tunnel that was 7th Avenue, saying hello to his doorman, and then finally getting to his door, knocking there, I wondered what this guy who described himself as clean-cut and straight looking was going to look like. I have come to realize that "straight-looking" is the best way you can describe yourself if you are unattractive to gay man. I don't fall for such tricks and so when he opened the door, I immediately thought Loser.

There was also the strong smell of pot lacing the air and so, I smoked two puffs off his joint, two puffs too many. I talked to him for a bit about music, art, and vodka before we went into his bedroom. I cannot smoke pot and have good sex. The other times I have smoked before seeing someone, I have ended up coming so quickly, having absolutely no control over when it was going to shoot out. And today, only fifteen minutes after getting there, I kept feeling myself about to come whenever he gave me head. I kept tugging at my penis, taking out of his mouth, trying to prevent myself from coming so soon. And it worked for the most part, but then man, when I was about to come, I started feeling so weird. My entire body was shaking because I felt like I was about to come for five minutes, but didn't, and so was just on that peak of feeling that climax for five minutes which is way too long to experience such a thing and so my body, my right arm especially, was shaking from the effort.

Finally, I jacked myself off on his face after he ate my ass out for a long time. Then I laid by his side and watched the porno playing on his tv, while he held my cock and stared at my body and took what seemed like an incredibly long time to jack himself off. He seems like what will become a regular, telling me he definitely wants to see me again, and even proposing taking me to his house in Connecticut, which I as politely as I could turned down.

Then I felt good and walked down the street, still mildy stoned and went to a couple stores and found myself being so chatty and so friendly with the cashiers, wanting to talk about everything, their day, the cold weather, anything just to try to form some bond with my fellow humans, and despite being paid 150 for just getting a blowjob, I am already again down to 15 dollars somehow. There was a Metrocard which was a decent chunk of that, but then there was a trip to Duane Reed where some unnecessary bath products might have been bought, a trip to the booze store where a decent thing of whiskey was bought, and then of course, Artforum from a newsstand, some cake from La Bonita, and some Chinese food.

I just finished watching another Warren Beatty movie by chance. Jillian and Josh were watching Bonnie and Clyde, which was all right, but which was weird since I was supposed to watch Warren Beatty in Shampoo tonight, but which will probably happen tomorrow and that'll be three Beatty movies in a row, and maybe after tomorrow, after that, I will try to put into words what it is that makes Beatty so hot, how he reminds of various aspects of boys I have obsessed over, some of whom I have even touched, slept next to.