more than this

yes, that is what music does to you, but a specific type of song has this very particular effect on me. Roxy Music's "More Than This" is one of those and I am listening to it right now feeling that particular effect, was listening to it a lot yesterday experiencing the same sensation. I bought their Greatest Hits album yesterday because socialcarwreck said to buy myself something, and I like any excuse to forget how broke I am and make unneccesary purchases.

And I am not sure if these are my memories being evoked in fits of nostalgia or if they are cinematic memories I am mistaking for my own, if they are memories from some John Hughes movie or Lost in Translation even. And if in fact, they are not my own experiences being evoked by these songs, but are memories of other character's experiences, does that diminish the feeling, make it a wobbly nostalgia supported by artificial memories? Let's add OMG's "If You Leave" to the tracklist at this point also.

Are not all memories, even those based on our own experiences to some extent artificial? As I sit here in New York, more than a little malcontent as of late, thinking back to past experiences, giving the past that glow that an unhappiness with the present will do, I think this is a very important question to ask, to ask constantly. A movie has just as much weight as my past experiences do. And saying that should not minimize the importance of either one of those, rather, it is meant to open up both to more forms of meaning, that the past has its role and I am not sure what that is, but do know the feeling I get when I hear these songs that conjure it. After I put the CD in the discman yesterday afternoon I sat in gray Union Square with the chill fall air blowing against me, lashing me with memories of high school where the weather always seemed to be like this, a constant gray fall. I must have worn shorts sometime during high school, other people must have, but all I can recall is us in shorts out on the blacktop during gym class, all cold and thinking of other places. And it all seems sad and great to me, that is this music.

I signed a new lease on Sunday at our old rent price and it didn't elate me, the thought of being here for one more year. I still dream of moving to somewhere else. How often are our dreams of the past? Do these ones outnumber the dreams of the future? There is a John Ashberry quote that says something about aging that Rupert read to me from the cap of his tea bottle that would be apt here. And if I can feel this, I don't care if they are not my own memories but the feeling I had during these movies, retriggered by hearing songs from the soundtrack. It's the feeling that matters, not the cause.