New York residents, when picking a dentist, do not, do not under any circumstances choose East Village Dental where Jeffrey Krantz works. I just got home from a mind-blowingly unprofessional visit to Dr. Krank. I arrive about a few minutes before three, my appointment time, fill out the requisite forms, and wait as patiently as one can wait in an office with the heat on even though it a gorgeous spring day. In the oppresive heat, I flipped through Prevention magazine, looking at ab exercises and vitamins that are supposed to be good for your skin. Dr. Krank keeps on leaving the patient he is working on to come out and yell at the receptionist about some company that is stiffing them money. He talks to these people on the phone in the reception area, berates them, they hang up on him, and he yells at the receptionist some more. I wonder if I can just run away at this point but notice the sign saying patients will be assesed additional fees for canceling prior to 24 hours notice. I want to avoid these fees. I sit nervously.

Another guy comes in to wait. He has headphones on and is singing way too loudly. He sits next to me, unembarrassed, as if he was unaware that anyone else was around and sang along loudly to whatever he was listening to, something with lines like: I want to get you naked, take your clothes off, throw you on the floor, naakkkeeed, naaakkkkeedd. I wanted to cry. Don't forget how hot it is in here and I have already been waiting about half an hour, and now I have to listen to someone that has no singing capabilities at all, sing these lewd lyrics. He flips through some magazine before tossing it back in the pile, saying, "Man, I should have brought my Playboy to read." I kid you not, folks. And all the while, Dr. Krank is still yelling at his receptionist. Could I run away? What would happen?

I sat still, and finally after waiting forty-five minutes was called in where his assitant started to do those things, alligator clip bib, x-rays, etc. Then he came in, put that spit-sucking tube in my mouth and was about to take a look at my mouth before the receptionist said something, yelled it across the office about whatever company, and he stormed off to go yell some more at this company, and then of course at the receptionist again. Meanwhile, the dental assistant kindly takes the spit-sucking thing out of my mouth before it totally dries my gums, and rolls her eyes, telling me this happens everyday, how there are three people in the waiting room and he can't be doing this. Dr. Krank finally comes back, but leaves shortly again to yell some more while I wait in the dental chair. At least I am away from that scary singing guy though. Finally he comes back exclaiming how everyone is an idiot and sends his assistant off to answer phones while the receptionist deals with this company. He then makes some joke to me about how everyone must be taking stupid pills or something today. This is the obnoxious uncle that always berates waitresses proudly. I hated him so much and could not wait to get out of there. I have one cavity that I have to go back to get taken care of, and after that I am getting a new dentist. It was such a painful experience, not the actual dentistry, just the office.

I came home and cracked a beer and now feel so much better.