Shit... Open Bar at Triple Crown, so many vodka tonics consumed, then Tainted Lady Lounge, already too wasted for belief. And oh yeah, remember how I told you earlier this week I made the easiest money ever, well scratch that - because tonight man, also less than fifteen minutes while watching MTV - businessmen rock! What did I ever use to say about capitalism? Um, then we ran into the worst drug dealer ever - who sold me ten dollars worth of weed - um, what? In New York? And yeah, he gave me so much weed - and then proceeded to smoke Jillian and me out. Fuck yeah! Got pretty fucking stoned, then went to Capone's, ate pizza, smoked, and danced to Montel Jordan! Then a party on Grand Street where I ran into an old straight crush from the Strand (Joe, you know who!), Liam, and talked to him for so long. Tonight equals fucking awesome.

For the past week or so, I have been eagerly anticipating last night, Monday night, the Cock, hoping to run into Craig, the NC alum I met there last week, that told me he would be there again this week. And so, I went there with Joe after downing rum and cokes with him in my kitchen, found Craig, talked to him, and was told by yet another crush that he's seeing someone.

It was shortly after this utterance by him that the peaking excitment of the past week looking forward to Monday quickly came to a halt. In fact, took a nose dive. The self-esteem that had been building in me for reasons that whatever sick notions of being liked by someone will foster, quickly fizzled, and how fragile our egos are. Our moods can change from one second to the next. Yes, that's very obvious, but fascinating to me nonetheless, that there is no real stable identity, stable feeling, that our emotional constituions are constantly at the whims of things outside ourselves.

At this point, I was ready to go home. Craig's friend gave me a blinking taillight for my bike before they all biked off home. I could find some symbolism in this. I will try not to.

I rode the subway home, with a nice Southern boy, a boy who introduced himself as Christopher (not Chris, mind you). He had brown hair and brown eyes, and had that same shy, overwhelmed look in his eyes that Sam G had. He was nice and I was glad to meet him, had no interest in pursuing it any further, and wished him a good night as I got off the train.

I am not doing so well on the boy front, but on the home front, I am doing excellent. Today at 7:30, I am hopefully going to go sign a lease for a three bedroom off the Lorimer stop to live with Dara and a girl I met at a bar, Jessica, in a room that I will be paying 400 a month for. Then, I will have the stability of a home for a year and can then devote my energies to finding additional forms of stability.

The skin on the roof of my mouth is all mangled and soft. I just ate a really hot piece of cheese pizza, should have let it cooled, but man, there are few things better than warm cheese, and it was so worth it.

Went to the Cock again last night, because really, I don't think there has been a Monday in two months that I haven't. And this boy that I had a crush on was there, I had seen him dancing at the Traci and the Plastics show. And I talked to him, finding out that he also went to New College, that the world is way too small. He said he would make out with me next Monday. I hope so.

Looking for an apartment with Niki. Trying to move by Sept. 1. And maybe, I'll get another slice of pizza. Entries of depth coming soon, once I get a disk to save my laptop writings on and upload them here, for the cost of ten cents a minute.