looking for my towel at the beach after getting out of the water

I have never felt like this before, never felt this extent of patheticness, never felt this amount of phyical longing, of wanting a certain someone in my life. And yeah, everyone says that all the time, that I have never felt this way - but fuck them, and even more importantly, fuck you and your smugness, your whatever you do or don't want to call it - I am not in the mood. I am sad. I just walked two miles home alone drunk out of my mind, and desiring sex, love, Giancarlo, and it has just started to rain - I barely missed the rain, and whether that's a good thing or not is questionable, but the fact that it would not have made a difference in my level of sadness is important, note-worthy and all that.

So, I left a message on his machine again, telling him how much I wanted to see him, how much I wanted to hang out with him, and how he should meet me at the Cardinal Bar - and yes, he did not meet me there, did not call me back, did not bother to reciprocate the feelings of whatever you do or do not want to call it - that thing, that fucking thing that made me feel wonderful on the night I slept with him, the night he moaned sweet, sweet things into my ear, and now makes me feel like shit, like the biggest patsy in the world, like someone who took a one night stand too seriously, as something more, as a boy who liked me. And yeah, I was at the Cardinal Bar with Rebecca who wanted to leave, with Brent, who curtly rejected me again this week, and with Pete who talked about coke and who probably thought I was going to go home with him again tonight. But I bailed, ran for my life, for my tears which I didn't want to come while I gagged on his cock later, coked out by his generousity, by his purchase of me and my sex.

And Giancarlo, I offered you my fucking sex, and more than that - whatever you wanted, my time, my emotions, my want-to-be love and you left it on the table, did not even taste from the dish, were just not hungry or just not into the presented meal, and my fucking sex you rejected, my goddamn body, you said no to, you did not even bother to call me back - and yes, I don't know why I love boys who think, maybe even know they are too good for me, why they make me.

And I went to the nude beach today with Bonnie, Jason, and Alex and it was good, I saw cocks in motion playing vollyeball, carelessly like natural animals, and I daydreamed about Giancarlo's limp one between my fingers, holding it - and yeah, that did not happen tonight, which is not that big a surprise with people familiar with the ways of the world and with my own life, people not being me, me unaware of how this is all too typical of me to obsess over a boy until he shows disinterest, indifference to this, all I can offer up to him. And Tiffany, I love you.