a conversation I just had with Eric, which is probably nowhere near verbatim...

...and probably reconstruced in my mind to make me sound better than I actually am:

Eric: Hey, Charlie

Charlie: Hey Eric, what's up?

E: I'm bored.

C: I'm sorry.

E: Yeah, can we get together and hang out tonight, I'm so bored, I can even come over there if you want, and just out with Bonnie and you. Would that be cool?

C: Um, no, I really don't feel like doing anything. I mean, I'm getting lots of writing done. Bonnie's not here, and so I'm being so good to myself and getting lots done.

E: So, you don't want to hang out tonight?

C: No, I'm really getting so much good stuff out of me right now.

E: Um [slight hesitation and umming], I feel like I already asked this... and I don't want to sound obnoxious... and [more hesitation], I'm not saying it's anything racial, like a black/white thing, but I just sort of get the feeling that you don't like me [more hesitation and then some other half sentances trying to explain himself]

C: Well, no, not really...

E: Is it because of the CIA thing?

C: [I laughed because it actually sort of was] Well, kind of. I mean, it wasn't the reason, but it was one. It just seemed real indicative of how much we didn't click... how much we didn't have in common.

E: Well yeah, I know that we're two opposite types of people but.... I had a really good time talking to you.... and I thought you did too..

C: Yeah, I did, but you know, I mean... [now my turn to hesitate], and I'm sorry for not being more upfront with you, that's a big problem of mine is actually telling people how I feel.... so I'm sorry.... but yeah.

And then, there were awkard good-byes and stuff, before I got off the phone with him. This all just occured and I am sort of glad because I really did not like Eric all that much, but am also sort of sad because [and yes, I know this reason, is going to make me sound like a sick motherfucker, but whatever, it's true] now I have blown the numerous opportunities that I would have had to hang out with Justin, since Eric and him are best friends. But, I'm glad that I was finally honest - I should have told him this earlier, but I just thought he would stop calling after I had blown him off so many times. And if I had been bored, I probably would have hung out with him tonight, but I was telling the truth - I am getting so much thinking done. I finished constructing this journal today, and was pasting things into it and writing in it, my form of meditation ,when he called, and I was so eager to get off the phone and get back to me, to me, to my thoughts, and to my work. And one of the rules I just made for my new journal was to not talk about any details of my day in it, so I had to post this here real quick, and now it is back to my palpable journal.