new year's resolutions

the year is now two thousand and motherfucking two, and i am seriously left wondering after all the confetti has now been cleaned as to what ever happened to nineteen ninety six and all the years that have supposedly occurred since. i'm still living in 1996, humming along to smashing pumkins' 1979, living in virginia, thinking about boys, death, and about what the fuck i want to do with myself.

and so to a little belatedly bring myself into the new millenium with the rest of my brethren, i'm going to make a few changes, i am going to be 2002, at least until it gets to 2003. it is that annual day that is set aside for extensive self-evaluation, which all too frequently degrades into self-loathing. so, we've already established that i'm a bit of linear thinker, and we're just going to succumb to the new year's resolution trend. to quote swingers, "everything that has past is prologue to this - to this fucking moment." today is jan. 1, 2002. i am longer the charlie that i was a mere nineteen hours ago. i am a new man (okay, boy), it's a new year, and i'm trying to convince myself that this moment - that having to buy a new calender - somehow signifies some huge shift in my character, that this date is a red letter day in the history of charlie. the end of chapter 1996, and the beginning of the 2002 chapter, or something like that. it's probably more like watching all the bally fitness center commercials telling me that's it a new year, chance for a new body, join ballys -- have unfortunantly convinced me that this is a good time of year to make resoultions. no, no - any day's a good day for resolutions, but new year's day is a great fucking day for resolutions, and so, i present my new year's resolutions:

i am going to learn to play capoeira-i've always wanted to learn how to play capoeira, but have always been a wimp about embarassing myself in front of people that are both really good at capoeira and are also really hot, and sort of related to that:

i am going to quit being a motherfucking wimp about everything-there are far too many things that i do not do, far too many places i do not go, and far too many people i do not approach because i am a big fat motherfucking chicken. quit being embarrased about lame shit - about any shit - who fucking cares what anyone thinks -- learn to rock out with confidence. there are so many times where i'm like man, i wish would have done that -- why were you such a pussy? for example, cute gay boy that i saw at hollywood 20 in august and was scared to talk to, i still motherfucking remember you, and i still to try to remember exactly why i was so lame, and chickened out, and wouldn't talk to you. and there's a frat boy slogan that says, "it's better to regret the things you have done, than the things you haven't," that i am going to try to adopt. fuck whatever shame i may have about sharing the same motto as our greek youth.

i'm going to stop eating meat again- i was a hardcore vegetarian since freshman year of high school (1996?) and gave it up when i was at new college. i've not eaten meat since i came back to virginia, this seems like a pretty easy one to keep, but i also haven't had a plate of ribs put in front of me yet, so we'll see.

i'm going to laugh whenever i get tense and feel like yelling

i'm going to be nice and quit being so cynical- i already have a very small circle of friends because of my social awkwardness, and so it may be a good idea to stop treating my current friends like shit when i talk to them. and besides, happy people are always a lot more attractive to be around. my first year, rebecca and i were being cynical to kim, and she told us: "people, let's keep the positivity up, and the negativity down!" kim, i'm going to finally try to take your advice.

i'm going to breath slow- it feels so good to slow down my breathing - to just savor the intake, slowly exhaust the air, and feel mellow like yellow

i am going to have a boyfreind - just to have one. i have had to feel like a weirdo too many times in conversations telling people, nope, i've never dated anyone. i have never had a boyfriend. too often, someone will say to me something like, "oh, you know how it is when you first start dating someone..." and i'm like no, actually i have no idea what that's like. i'm a big fat loser who has never dated anyone. yes, i will soon be 21, and will have never dated anyone -- my goal is before i am 21, cause then that's when it starts nearing pathatic.

i'm going to make a banjo and learn how to play it - i've always wanted to make something that they show in the foxfire books, and they show how to make a banjo. so, i'm going to motherfucking make one, or at least on this day of resolution making, i am telling myself that i am going to. and, i just think it would be really cool to know how to play the banjo.

i'm going to learn some greek- after finishing the odyssey and some sophoclean plays, i so want to be able to read all these beautiful texts in the original. this is one of those resoultions that is more of a yeah-one-day-i'm-going-to-do-that, rather than a i'm-going-to-do-that-any-time-in-the-forseeable-future type.

i'm going to quit talking like a fifteen year old girl when i speak to people- whenever i have a conversation with someone or make comments, i hear myself talking like an idiot and can do nothing to change it, because it's sort out of shyness, and sort of out of that's just how i've always talked. um um so then ..... uh yeah and like then he went and like got um like and like i need to quit saying motherfucking like. that word is my albatross (bad analogy, i know) - but, it follows me everywhere. i can never get rid of it, and sometimes i won't even notice it, but then someone like drew geer or amanda bell will tell me how funny they think it is when i talk in class since just about every other word i say is like. so, yeah, that's one of the resoultions that we are going to like actually follow through on.

i'm going to write more often - just because.

i'm going to get abs- i have always wanted a tight stomach with abs, but have loved my ben and jerrys and sitting on my ass too much to do anything about it. perhaps, those bally ads have had an effect on me, and perhaps i am mystified by dominant body images in the media, but whatever, i really am going to start doing sit-ups and jog more often so i can get rid some of the flub. as much as i do love my belly, i think i would love a tight stomach even more.

i'm going to daydream more often- my lack of social interaction since i have come home has made me realize how much fun daydreaming can be. i can be riding on the metro, thinking my own horrible, dirty thoughts, and no one on the metro knows my dirty little secret. i am just normal boy riding metro. it's like not cleaning yourself after sex and going about your day. having dried semen on my chest under my shirt, while talking to people. my dirty little secret that no one knows. yeah yeah just keep more secrets in general. it makes me feel special to have secrets - that i am not just absorbed into some universal consciousness (possibly pop culture?), that i retain something for just me, my little daydreams.

i'm going to smooch jimmy fallon