i did not leave the house once today (seriously) and i don't give a shit

the snow had pretty much all melted by the time i finally decided to get my lazy ass out of bed. lonely looking patches of snow fighting tooth and nail to stick around. no longer whites only. green grass, brown puddles of mud, unraked fallen leaves of a sort of browish color all with the remaining white patches of snow. how appropriate that on mlk day, white dominance ends and integration occurs. kind of. or at least, on our back lawn.

so, i am 99% sure that i am going to take a semester off. tomorrow, i am going to try to apply for some jobs around here. tonight, i talked to my friend from high school, joni, and she is also taking this semester off. talking to her was so great because i have not talked to her in forever, and she is one of the few people from high school that i actually still find interesting. she called at like ten fifteen, which i was sort of sad about because i am a big loser and was watching queer as folk and was sort of getting real into the plot, and did not get to see the end. isn't that real pathatic that i am such a tv addict? but whatever, talking to joni was probably a lot better for me than watching trashy late night cable. the fact that she is also taking a semester off makes me feel a lot better about myself - about hanging out in NoVa rather than being in school. because, people in NoVa are rather weird and they all go to college and are like, "what, you're taking a semester off?" sort of looking at you like you would a crack addict, like what the fuck is wrong with you? most people already think that i go to a joke school anyways, and this will just seal the deal, i fear, about me being perceived as a grade a slacker.

and even though, i am about to take on this role of the i'm-just-taking-some-time-off-from-school slacker, when joni was talking to me about her life, i was thinking the what's wrong with you thoughts about her. she's working at springfield mall at a record store, and today after she got off work, she went to the library, checked out a bunch of art books and got stoned at home, looking at pictures of the sistine chapel. i was like greeaattt. am i going to be another sad case of suburban youth gone awry?

i was just sort of thinking that. most of the time i was laughing silly because joni is one of the few persons that has the ability to make me laugh non-stop. and she really loves nelly furtado and wants me to get tix with her to go see her in march. and i was like, are you kidding? fuck yeah. i sort of really love nelly furtado, and was real surprised that one of my friends other than bonnie, really liked nelly.

i sort of don't have a fucking clue what i am doing with myself. i'm pretty sure that i am taking a semester off, but not even positive about that. i don't know what i believe about anything. i am fucking numb to everything - i don't reactfeellive. i sort of sometimes hate just about everybody lately. i don't know why i don't want to be in school. i don't know why i am in school. and, i don't know what i would do with my time if i wasn't. i'm soon probably about to find that out. i kind of have no urge to leave my living room ever. at times, i think: charlie, you do not want to spend an entire eight or so months living at home, you'll shoot yourself - look for something to do; someplace to go. and then other times, i lie on the couch, watch tv, stuff my face with various junk food products, and think to myself, why would i ever want to do anything other than this? i have no life drive at all. i am a zombie. and it doesn't bother me except when i'm writing these motherfucking diary entries - making my loserness all too explicit to myself and i guess to whoever the fuck is silly enough to read this crap.