appliance love

i did not sleep last night. my throat was so sore/yucky feeling that i could not breath right, and in addition i felt like i was on speed or something. my head was just racing. i finally fell asleep at seven or something when i decided to take some sleeping pills. but, before the pills took effect and had me konked out for most of the day, i kept peeking out my window, waiting for the sun to rise to see if we had gotten any snow. homer's fabled rosy-fingered dawn appeared, looking anything but rosy-fingered. old man ashy-fingered maybe. just a gloomy gray start to the day. and the transition from the black night to the gray morning was a big time disapointment because there was still grass on the ground and bark was still visible on tree branches. i wanted a world without grass and unraked fallen leaves - i wanted to see fields of white. but no no no, the storm did not hit us at all.

i then woke up at three something in the afternoon and started apartment hunting. dude, i am starting to get a bit worried. this is all a little more complicated than i thought. tomorrow (i guess today, now), i am going to wake up early and call a bunch of places.

i was still feeling like shit after i woke up, my head has been throbbing all day and i don't know why -- it doesn't even seem related to the sickness. my head just cannot deal with movement, it hurts like hell when i move around, and my neck is soo stiff even though i probably ate half a bottle of advil today. i might go see the doctor tomorrow if i'm still in pain.

but anyways, because of my pain i did not feel like hanging out with rebecca and maggie ray, nor did i feel like hanging out with sarah. i told both that i was grade a sick. so i went to blockbuster and rented st. elmos fire and chasing amy, cuddled up on the couch, and drank hot chocolate. st. elmos fire was so dissapointing. and chasing amy was so cute. i'm a big sucker for boy trying to get girl movies. the graduate. swingers. better off dead. etc. they always make me feel really good, producing that longing feeling - wanting some special person to chase, butterflies in stomach type feeling, thinking about being in love. i don't know if it is a sad thing that watching certain things on tv is the closest i have come to feelings of love - that i'm receiving this praised human experience through the medium of an electric appliance, and believing that this is what love is, rather than coming to my own notion of love through my interpersonal experiences. it seems like learning to dream from a toaster or something. for that reason it seems weird, but perhaps i am being too reductive by equating a tv with a toaster. maybe the fact that i can experience intense reactions to a film is a testament to the power of art. that it can produce such effects. but then again, maybe i'm just trying to somehow justify my loserness. but fuck that shit, wait, why should i desire such a type of love, because i've been socialized into thinking that this is what people desire - what people need to be happy?

a nice warm bed when i am feeling pretty sick and tired is love to me. goddamn, will you marry my twin-sized, decade old, sunken in bed? i'll chase you, you can turn me down, and i'll keep chasing you, cat and mouse, love and rejection, all that good stuff, until finally we collapse into each others arms at the end of the film, making all the boys in the home audience who've never been in love feel all mushy, and make them long for a twin-sized bed of their own to chase and fall in love with.

*********
to do list for tomorrow:
-wake up before noon
-find a place to live
-call pirg and greenpeace, don't tell them i'm leaving in three weeks, and get a job
-read a bunch of my isp reading
-write mezey about my (lack of) progress on my isp
-clip my fingernails
-if it's not too cold, go for a long bike ride
-write kelly a real letter
-take a hot bath