it's a living thing

okay, we are really eventually going to start writing these entries on a more frequent basis.

i just finished reading a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, and the ending has me artistically inspired to create. it has me feeling like shit for wasting so so much time on my ass. but, i'm home with my folks for the summer and around them i lose all motivation to do anything at all. maybe it's that i'm embarassed to do stuff around them -- i don't know. and so this is today's declaration #1: next summer, i am not going to live at home no matter how broke i am.

i didn't really want to come home this summer, but when i was trying to think of things to apply for in march, my mom in a very serious voice said that i needed to go home. i didn't really argue and decided to come home and work there for the summer. when i got home, my dad told me he had lung cancer. my mom has since told me that his prognosis is not good. it's not something one can really ask questions about, like how long do you have left to live? but that is the question i am wondering, and i am worrying/wondering that that time may be soon -- because when i was bitching about having to be home my mom said that she wanted me to come home so i could spend some time with my dad but that i could go somewhere next summer. does that mean that this is his last summer?

it's a really weird feeling, and i feel sick for thinking about these things, trying to come up with a time frame, and worrying that i will have a nervous breakdown if it happens while i'm at school, and i'm worried about petty things like how it'll affect my academics and other bullshit that healthy minds should not think about, i tell myself.

also today, i was supposed to be in this sex video with this middle-aged perv named carl, so i drive all the way out there and he tells me that he's feeling sick and we'll have to film it after he gets back from vacation. but he gave me a $100 deposit for coming all the way out there. so, i made any easy 100 for doing jack shit -- and i'm thinking about just not doing the video and keeping the money cause all he has is my e-mail address. and while i was there, at this smelly apartment that was a gathering for sexual deviants, i was asked my this old man with a long white warped santa beard if i'd have sex under hypnosis. okay, this is fucking santa asking me not what i want for christmas, but rather if i'll let him hypnotize me and fuck me while taping it.

there's something about really old people, that just repulses me -- maybe i'd get it on with his young elves, but santa is too fucking old. i'd fuck rudolph before i would santa.

oh, and i have a legit job too. i work at this organic market in dc, which is sometimes fun. and i was a minion of satan until two days ago doing (yes, the most evil of evils:) telemarketing. i sold subscriptions to this theater in dc, but had to quit because i couldn't deal with being one of those obnoxious people who invades your home, crawling through phone lines, hawking their ware. that, and i hadn't sold one subscripion yet, either. i sucked at telemarketing and decided to "leave" before i was fired.

oh, and at the organic market, they usually play classical, but today it was 70's funk and rock and i've had these two lines from a song in my head all day and i don't even know what song it is. but it's so positive and happy, but not blithe or any bullshit like that. it goes: "it's a living thing [doo-doo-doo-da], what a terrible thing to waste."

that song and the book by dave eggers have made me eager to do something with me life. oh, and another contributing factor to this desire to create is my purchase yesterday of the movie purple rain. prince was signed to warner brothers when he was eightfuckingteen. okay, i am now twenty -- two years past that point with no major artistic accomplishments, and even more importantly (and the reason for the lack of accomplishments) - a complete lack of artistic talent/skill.

all of this forcing me to think, about what am i going to do, what will i offer, what can i do to make things more pretty, more fun:

resolution #2: get out of the house more often, you lazy motherfucker. every night that you are not working find something to do, and get someone to go with you.

resolution #3: dance more often

when i was at school i would dance 24/7 but now that i home i don't dance at all, again it'd due to whatever influence being around my family has upon me

so, it's a living thing - what a terrible thing to waste

W.L.M.

yo [redacted],

you've turned in your john moore paper, right? you better have, miss meg. and sorry for taking so long to respond to you, but mtv has had me in a trance. it's really sick, all i watch is mtv -- i'm so fasinated by it, it's so wonderful.

so, you're in new york now right, how is it, you love it? yo, you are so lucky, let me tell you what, if i were in new york i would be fucking stalking that gorgeous snl boy jimmy fallon. you know who he is, right? he's so super cute. megan, i've decided this is the boy you are going to pursue, you can do it megan, you better. jimmy fallon is the dreamiest boy ever, i keep watching all my sister tapes of snl and staring at that kid, yo.

so, correlated to my love of mtv is my lack of a job, i have still yet to find a job. i do absolutely nothing except hang out all day, which my mom does not love so much, she is forever telling me how i need to get a job, and so i am determined to get one tomorrow, and i might even work at borders which i told myself i wasn't going to do anymore.

oh, but today i made 150, it's really funny and it involves whitman. so, i did this jack-off video for these two middle-aged guys at their apartment today. or, i tried too. i thought it would be funny, you know? so, i got there, and i was so turned-off the second i walked in -- their apartment had that rank apartment smell where it smells like cats or some shit even though they don't have cats, you have to know what i'm talking about. well magnify that by a gazillion and that might almost come close to what this place actually smelt like. it's funny how in this situation, this smell is the biggest thing i remember-- trivial details are the big ones. and speaking of bigness, one of the guys was 300 plus pounds and looked and talked like Divine in Hairspray playing the tv station owner (one of his few performaces not in drag). okay that's what this dude looked like and the other guy was just a 40 year old pervert. i get there and he pays before even filming, so i was excited. then they start filming and they start off asking all these silly questions that they wanted hot answers to, like "what do you think about when you masturbate?" [did you have any fun experiences like this at pleasures, i'm really fascinated by sex work, and that's one of the reasons i did the video, tell me about all your fun pleasures time]

and so basically, umm, i was not excited per say in this rank setting with these sleazy gross men, and so their tape is ten minutes of me laughing, and trying to get excited. but to no avail. i finally was like, look yo, it ain't going to happen, i ain't going to get excited, let me give you your money back. and he was like no, no, no. so, i got an easy 150 for just playing with myself, oh and here's where whitman came in handy, paul said we'd remember those lines at certain times, -- well, i did. i was like look, yo-- this is what i really think about when masturbating, and then recited the "copulation is no more rank to me than death" lines and then i left. it was such a grand exit with those whitman lines, and i have paul to thank for all of it, oh how was the dinner with him?

but, they have both sent me e-mails already -- the fat guy is wondering if i'll let him go down on me once a week for 50, and the other dude wants to film me getting it on with him for 250. i probably won't do either, but 250 sounds nice. i just feel like prostitution might be my one boundry that i won't experiment with --- the sharon olds poem, "sex without love" came to mind as i read their e-mails. and this entire experience has led me to question why i like photographing people sexually -- i feel like it may be from the same slightly perverse, definitly voyeuristic reasons that these guys had with me and makes me feel sort of dirty, and so i feel like i have to approach how i photograph people differently.

yo, yo megan, i want to come visit you later this summer, so we can work together on stalking jimmy fallon, you know. are you working, meeting cute boys, reeking havoc on NYC, let's hear all about the adventures of miss [redacted] in the big apple..

adios -- charlie